Golden Kaleidoscope: Why I give no.....

Why I give no.....

Fucks! Happy Birthday to me!

I went to a predominantly white high school (that considered itself multi-cultural).  Most of the girls there were size double 0 to 8.  I was one of the very few size 12 to 16. I always attempted to camouflage my body with gym shorts or basic outfits. I figured it didn't really matter anyways, because no one was checking for me. By senior year I was starting to grow into my body, and my clothes got a little tighter— nothing too crazy. I was popular, but most of the guys viewed me as a best friend or sister.  Which was cool with me for the most part. Still, I wanted to be seen as more.  Up until graduation, I had only had three boyfriends in my entire life.

Things started to change as soon as I went to a HBCU.  I was being "hollered" at left and right.  My body went from undesirable to ideal. It was cute at first. The attention was nice and it felt good to finally be the desired one. Then I noticed something; my body made people feel uncomfortable and at the same time, too comfortable. Women were uncomfortable with the reaction that men had to me.  I went from being most loved by my female peers to most hated.  Their boyfriends liked me.  Or boys that they liked, liked me, and the females on campus took it out on me. 

Top- Here

Some men felt entirely too comfortable approaching me. Regardless of what I wore, they made me feel like a walking sex toy.  They would say outlandish, and gross things to me that made me feel ashamed of my body. And they were so very comfortable with their approach. As though I was created for their sexual amusement and my proportions were a justifiable invitation for their disrespect.   

Life on campus became extremely difficult. I remember I couldn't walk anywhere on campus without some girl having some slick shit to say to me. Rumors started to spread about me being promiscuous.  When the truth was, I was only talking to one guy, and he ended up being my boyfriend.  I couldn't understand why these women felt the need to spread lies about me. I'm not saying I was an innocent or an angel. I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I partied too hard, drank way to much, and didn't always handle my school responsibilities. It doesn't excuse the way some people treated me.

When I saw this Boohoo bodysuit I HAD and I mean HAD to have it. I absolutely love it but I will suggests you order up, because it is VERY high cut in the front. The top part of the sweetheart neckline has padding which I took out. All in all, I love it and I just ordered the pink, which is all that is left at this point. Happy shopping! Use code "SMILE" for 15% off your purchase!

Can we talk about how awesome this Ekineyo Feline Print midi skirt is! They recently added plus size to their line and this skirt not only hugs every curvy but sucks you in as well! I saw this fun print and I HAD to have it. They were kind enough to surprise me with it before I purchased it. I will definitely be making an Ekineyo purchase. Their line in fun, chic, and bold, just how I like my clothes. 

I recently purchased these Nine West Tessa Pointed Toe Pump and I absolutely love them. Not only are they comfortable but it is such a sexy shoe. I definitely walked around the house in these feeling like a million bucks. Don't forget, Nine West goes up to size 12! Happy shopping ladies!

The rumors became unbearable.  Instead of expressing my feelings, I ate them, and started gaining weight.  I noticed the more weight I gained, the less men talked to me, the happier it made other women, and the easier it made my life. So I kept at it. 

I only attended that school for one year, but it changed my life.  The person I was before then was different from who I was after.  Looking back on that experience I can't believe how much I let other people's insecurities control my life. Since then, I give no fucks! I will never, ever, let another woman or man’s opinions, of my body, affect me emotionally or physically.   How silly is that?  That I should have changed my body just to suit another woman’s lack of self-esteem, or some male’s overzealous sexual pestering.  In the end, what I thought was helping solve the problem created another one. 
It took a long time to rebuild myself.  After a few years of overeating, binge drinking, and a bad relationship, the hurt, guilt and self-hatred had taken its toll on me. I finally had enough and found the courage to change.

I woke up one morning and wrote all my thoughts down, so I could deal with my emotional issues. I started working out, writing in my journal daily, as well as, forced myself to be nice to Essie Golden. I stopped seeking approval from others. I kept negative people away from me. It literally took me 3 years to get my body and mind to a safe place. I still have my bad days. I still have some moments of thinking, am I doing this right? I wonder how people will feel about this. But, it doesn't rule my life anymore. I'm so thankful for my family, friends and my special someone who keeps me grounded and focused. ‏
I still make this face lol.


With today being my 28th birthday, I will continue to live my life, my way. It’s hard for everyone, but especially, when you're a blogger, model or public figure, to always do the things you want, the way you want. People throw their opinions at you daily and give suggestions from their private, meme filled profiles. Don't pay it any mind and learn to tune them out. Don't give these people power over your life. With the way the world is going who knows how much longer we have on this planet? Make the moves you want, wear the clothes you like, and do as you please!  As long as you don’t hurt anyone (unless you’re hurting their feelings by being too fine and shit LOL), you’re golden.

I've forgiven those who went out of their way to hurt me, as well as myself for allowing them to do so. But, I will never forget how they made me feel and I make it my business not to do the same to anyone else.

Happy Birthday to Me! 

Thanks for reading! Super special thanks to Kitty K. Free for all of your editing help. You're the best!


  1. This was very well put.i've decided to not let folks opinions of me influence what I do and who I am. It took the birth of my son for me to get comfortable with myself. Keep up the great work and I love this outfit. I have to ask what bra you are wearing,the girls are skyhigh!

    1. Cosign on that! Have you ever done a post on undergarments?

  2. Happy Birthday!

    Great post! Hopefully it will remind more women that you must define yourself or you will lose yourself!

  3. I wish you a happy birthday!
    thank you for opening up to us with your personal body-positivity journey! keep it up because you are amazing!

  4. What size skirt are you wearing and is it true to size? They have a dress that I want to get but I'm not sure of the fit! Thanks in advance.

  5. Amazing story!!! Stay encouraged Ma, you such an inspiration to me and many others!!!!!

  6. omg I literally stumbled on to your page by being nosey to see who nadiaaboulhosn followed on instagram and thought your pic was interesting and saw you had a blog. This post literally made me cry which is embarrassing because I'm at work lol but growing up I didn't and tbh still to an extent don't understand my body but it was so refreshing hearing your story and the end message to wear what I want and be who I am. I made this huge black tutu that I LOVE and want to wear it out so bad but the thought of looks from others terrifies me but because of this post I'm going for it! Crop top and all lol I know i'm blabbing now so getting to the point Thank you Ms. Golden and I'll try to be nicer to myself!!

  7. I love this post! We all are the way we are for a reason! You my dear are gorge!

  8. Love this! Happy birthday to you. I related very strongly to your story. I had a very similar experience of going from chubby geek in high school to thin and athletic later in my early 20s. The attention I got from people had such an affect on me. I learned to see catcalls and sexual objectification as normal, as expected and while I also realized I didn't like it, I had to learn to do without the constant reinforcement once those comments stopped. Confidence definitely comes from within and we can't live to please others. Like you said, fuck them. You do you, and do you well. :-)